Another week gone by --- 2 1/2 months in

Another week has yet again flown by. I am amazed, in awe, in wonder and shock as days turn into weeks and weeks flood into months. I have been here for nearly two and a half months already. There has been so much that has happened in the last few months that I have a hard time recounting the tales. But there are so many beautiful moments that have taken place I would love to share them with everyone... As I think about it and pray about it I realize that some of it will just have to be stored up in my heart as a treasure and a memory I will share with those that lived through it with me. And some of the most precious times that have taken place are moments of intimacy with Jesus that may not mean as much to anyone else as they do to Him and I. I am learning more about Him every day. I am loving Him more every day and I am giving up all of myself every day. Learning what it truly is to lay my life down and to live only for Him and His purposes. I am finding joy in living a life completely surrendered to the Creator. I am finding purpose that is bigger than myself, and therefore more fulfilling than anything I could try and create for myself. Dreams that I had for myself and even seeds of vision I have seen from the Lord in the past are growing as I plant them in the ground and allow them to die like in winter… I know that in the spring God will breath life and they will grow and LIVE through his timing and his ways. I look forward to it, and during this time I am going to grow closer to my God as I leave everything in his hands and just sit in his presence, learning from Him and cultivating a relationship with Him that only comes through a surrendered heart and a hunger for his ways and his life.

A very wise and beautiful woman has come here to spend two and a half months. Her name is Dorothy and she is Cheryl (our house mom)'s mom. She is a typical Grandma in many ways, and simply human. But this woman is full of fire, the word and a passion for life IN CHRIST that is infectious. Yesterday in our family prayer time Lisa and Dorothy challenged us to lay ourselves down, to put to death our flesh and our own desires and reminded us that we will not be able to press through, we will not be able to do everything that God has called us to if we do not first lay our own dreams and desires. We must let them die so that God can provide and make a way that is not about us. We can’t make our own dreams come to pass by just doing good stuff. God has dreams for us that must take place through His strength and his breath of life!

Everyday I am learning more and God is healing me… making me whole… bringing confidence in Him that is not based on my own “goodness” or my own reputation, but based solely on the beauty of His spirit in me.

I had an amazing time with Devin and Jane this last week as they were here. They were a huge blessing to everyone here at the house and Devin brought a very encouraging word to the church on Tuesday night, talking about the scripture in 2 Chronicles about how if we will repent and turn from our wicked ways, then God will hear, and heal our land. It was so encouraging and challenging. We began to pray and continue to pray like we never have before. The people have been pressing into God and together we are pushing through some very real barriers. God is breaking down walls and there is victory and life coming to this place.

We have been doing a lot of prayer with different families in the church, going to visit in their homes and praying for those that are sick. It is amazing to see the life that these people live, and the joy that they have in sharing whatever they have with us. There is so much richness in the life that is presented in their hearts. They are truly a beautiful, remarkable people. We haven’t a clue half the time in America what God is doing in the earth today. He is bringing life to places that were enslaved to death. He is bringing light to the dark places of the earth and he is bringing joy where there once was sorrow. My heart is grieved for those in America and other affluent countries in the world today that have no “need” of God. We have everything material that we want and so we are distracted from the real need that we have for the living God. I am not saying it is bad to have “things”. God knows I miss Starbucks and a good bacon-guacamole burger and a new outfit now and then and the absolute freedom of driving to the mall whenever I want. But God forbid that I come home and forget what it is to NEED God. In the midst of all of our “stuff” at home I pray with all that is in me that he helps us to cultivate a HUNGER and a THIRST for His truth, his spirit, his life and his love. Only when we begin to live in the realm of Love and Neediness for God will we find joy and peace and strength… though the cost may be pain and war and sorrow. There is always a balance, whether we live in it or not.

I keep trying in this blog to tell stories, the funny things that happen, like getting hit in the head with a mango, playing with our little goat in the yard that was Pastor Marc’s Christmas present and we all know it is going to be dinner in a couple months, sitting around the well talking and then oops accidentally having a water fight! We have so much fun here… but I guess I keep coming back to wanting to share the emotional and spiritual things that are taking place in my life. The physical stuff is just fleeting. Here today and gone tomorrow… but the things that God is doing in my spirit are more alive to me than the taste of the mango on my tongue and therefore often seem more important to share with you all.

I will try and include more stories in the coming months… but know that I am having “fun” even through the deepest struggles and challenges. I am taking advantage of EVERY moment in this place. And I will have many fun stories to share when I return home. I miss you all and you are and always will be in my heart and prayers.

As the deer pants for the water...

As the deer pants for streams of water, so I long for You o God. I thirst for God, the living God. When can I go and stand before him?... My heart is breaking as I remember how it used to be... Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again - my Savior and my God! Psalm 42

Is anyone thirsty? Come and drink - even if you have no money! Come take your choice of wine or milk - it's all free! why spend your money on food that does not give you strength? Why pay for food that does you no good? Listen to me, and you will eat what is good. You will enjoy the finest food. Come to me with your ears wide open. Listen, and you will find life. I will make an everlasting covenant with you. I will give you all the unfailing love I promised to David. See how I used him to display my power among the peoples. I made him a leader among the nations. You also will command nations you do not know, and peoples unknown to you will come running to obey, because I, the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, have made you glorious. Seek the Lord while you can find him. Call on him now while he is near. let the wicked change their ways and banish the very thought of doing wrong. Let them turn to the Lord that he may have mercy on them. Yes, turn to our God, for he will forgive generously. My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts, says the Lord. and my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts. The rain and snow come down from the heavens and stay on the ground to water the earth. They cause the grain to grow, producing seed for the farmer and bread for the hungry. It is the same with my word. I send it out and it always produces fruit. It will accomplish all I want it to, and it will prosper everywhere I send it. You will live in joy and peace. The mountains and hills will burst into song, and the trees of the field will clap their hands! Where once there were thorns, cypress trees will grow. Where nettles grew, myrtles will sprout up. These events will bring great honor to the Lord's name; they will be an everlasting sign of his power and love. Isaiah 55

I have been so challenged, yet again. Oh my God is doing an amazing thing in my life. He is teaching me to love Him. It is an ongoing process of learning to follow after him with my whole heart. Not just part of it. Earlier this week Pastor Doug was preaching a sermon on the Lordship of Christ. Not just having Jesus as my Savior and now I am good for the rest of eternity, but making him Lord of my life. This includes submitting every part of who I am to Him. That I do not get to keep any rights for myself. I have to daily give up my life. My reputation, my place of service, my desires, my privacy, my possessions... to live with all of these things loose in my hands... clinging to nothing but Jesus. Holding all of these things out to him and daily submitting everything that I am to his will and purposes. I know that he will grant me the desires of my heart, but first I must be willing to have nothing but Him. Knowing that He is more than enough for me. willing to go to the ends of the earth, living with nothing but Him. Knowing that I can live without the extra things in life... wonderful things like chocolate (thank you mommy!) without the many conveniences... but like Paul knowing how to live with plenty and how to live with nothing.

I am so encouraged, even though things have been so incredibly difficult at times.

Devin and Jane got here yesterday and it was absolutely wonderful to have them come! Selfishly (totally opposite from what I was just talking about! lol) I am so grateful for the gifts that they brought with them from home. It was like Christmas all over again!! I got more chocolate than a girl could want (though I am sharing it with the 12 other people living in the house so it will go by quickly!)

2 seasons of Diff'rent Strokes, one of my favorite tv shows!
Many cross stitch things to work on which will be nice in down time, it's a favorite past time of mine with mommy... some workout stuff, some new clothes and head scarves, and many hugs from Jane! It was so good to have a bit of home !! I forget sometimes how much I miss home! But I know that God is doing a good thing not only in me, but in all of us here at the house!

I have been praying a lot about what I am going to do when I get home in April. I will reveal more in the coming weeks about what I feel God is showing me, but please continue to pray that God will give clarity and vision!

We have much going on and I have to go back and do some more work! But I will attempt to post again soon. Thank you all for your prayers. I will continue to be praying for you. If any of my friends from Starbucks, home, church, family or friends are reading this -- I want to say -- I have not forgotten a single one of you. You are in my heart and I miss you all! Hear the cry of my heart... there is so much to experience and so much that God is waiting to show you. God said, those who seek me with their whole heart will find me. He is more real than anything or anyone that I have ever experienced and He loves deeper than we can understand. I have learned so much just by asking God to show me. I dare you to ask, to seek, to put your hope in Him. He will reveal himself to anyone who asks. Things that never made sense before will begin to make sense. It's like God removes blindfolds from our eyes and we see the Truth. It's so much more than just being "a good person." I will continue to seek... I will continue to fall on my face before my God and do what is required of me. I will not stay silent. I will not sit any longer waiting for my life to happen. The time is short. Today is the day of Salvation. And today is the day for me to fight the battle. And I will find joy in the Living Water that Jesus has for me.

Since New Years --

Oh so much has happened – again. I can hardly believe it has been another week gone by. So much has changed in my heart and life. Time here is so different it seems. A day can seem like an eternity, and yet they pass so quickly. I am always amazed at how much can be accomplished in one day here. We had a pastor’s conference that started on the 2^nd and I was very unsure as to how I felt about some of the teachings and some of the things that were being said. I will never agree with anyone fully I am sure because each person on this planet has a little bit of a different approach to life. We all come from different walks and different backgrounds and God teaches us all things differently. We are not clones of one another so it would make sense that we are always learning and changing and in a perfect situation we are always becoming more and more like Christ each day. However, I have been incredibly challenged through the last week… to see Jesus for who he really is. I have been taught many things not through any one person, but by seeking the true will of God… and not even just seeking the path God wants for me, but truly seeking the face of my God. He has shown me so much in this last week… it is incredible truly. I have been challenged every day to lay down my own desires and my own will, my timing for his timing and my thoughts for his thoughts. I had the incredible opportunity to spend a little time with Pastor Richard and Beth from Canada. They are not perfect, but they have a lot of life that has been lived. Getting to know Pastor Beth has been a real encouragement to me. Lisa has talked about them constantly since I first got here, insisting that they are incredible leaders and mentors. I have had such a hard time respecting many “pastors and leaders” in authority the last year or so, but God is restoring me and who I am… and in doing so I am finding a healthy respect and appreciation of my authority. I will never again believe that any man is perfect or complete or knows all there is to know, but this couple taught me a lot about trusting God… not man. But who God is through people.

I have been challenged through many different things this last week to stand. All through this week I felt like God was speaking to me telling me it was time to stand. That I could not keep dreaming about tomorrow or the great things He will do in my someday… but to realize that today is a day to be enjoyed and lived and worked through. Every day seems to come and go with its challenges, and joys and trials. It seems almost a contradiction and yet it isn’t. I am so encouraged all the time by the way that God is orchestrating his plans and the times that he allows me to be a part of it, the times that I just get to sit back and watch God move. No matter what is happening, I can choose to see the goodness of the Lord. He is so good and so beautiful and so much more real than lots of people give Him credit for. He is so not just a name on a page or an idea or concept. He is the living Word. Jesus is the all knowing, all loving and all consuming God. He is a Fire and he will consume me if I allow him to, yet I will not be harmed. He will burn away the weak and sick parts of me and purify me like a beautiful treasure… He is. Every day. He is enough. His grace is enough. There is no reason to try and make him out to be someone different… He is everything and nothing else can be compared to Him. These are all things that I have heard and “known” in my head my WHOLE life. But especially in the last week I have come face to face with the reality of my God. I am seeing that this God that I serve and love is more real than any person or living thing that I see. He is Beauty and Life. There is nothing that can be said that could truly show who He is. And my prayer and hope in this life is to be so full of God and the Holy Spirit that those around me and in my life will have no choice but to believe. This God is real. He is not a stranger and He certainly has no plans in His heart for evil. He is just and perfect in all He does. I cannot express what God is revealing to me in words that are adequate… but I will say that as I sit in the presence of my God I am finding the clarity and focus that was promised to me before I came to this place. Nothing else matters as much as pleasing my God and living the way He is requiring of me. I have no idea what God has in store for me when I leave this country, but I do know that He is caring for me… that He has not forgotten me, that He is in control and is laying the path out in front of me for the furthering of His kingdom. I want to be so surrendered to His will and plans that my dreams are not fulfilled in any other way but walking with and beside Him. Hand in Hand with my Father and full of the Holy Spirit. I see the goodness of my God and know that the battles ahead are not to be won in my own strength, but in the complete confidence that comes from living and abiding in HIM.

So those are some of the things that I have been praying through and working through… Practically some of the things that have been happening in life… The pastor’s conference was a great time of service. I worked with my friends Henry Claude and Francklin a good portion of the week setting up the PowerPoint for worship services and preparing and recording all the sermons. This meant I sat in the front of the congregation and directly in front of the speakers. It was so neat to be a part of a team that was working so hard to serve and be a blessing to the pastors that came to the conference. I know that great seeds were sown and that the Kingdom of God will grow in Haiti as a result. Continue to pray that the teachings and the Words of God will grow in these men and women and that there will be life and good fruit that comes from it.

Church on Sunday was wonderful! We had a great service with Pastor Richard preaching one more time and an amazing alter call. There were so many people that came up to rededicate their lives to Jesus. It was beautiful!

Yesterday Pastors Richard and Beth and Pierre and Louise, Joe and Rebecca and I, Marc and Lisa and the kids and Frantzy all went for a ride to Jacmel – a town on the other side of the mountains to go swimming. It was quite an adventure. We had a great lunch, some people had fish and I had lambi. It was delicious! We were enjoying ourselves in the water immensely when all of a sudden it started pouring rain! It was crazy! Buckets of water were dumping from the skies. There was no point in even attempting to dry off! So we got into the van wet for the 2 hours drive home. Let me tell you that was an experience!! LOL. I am always amazed when I get goose bumps in Haiti but yesterday it happened. It was cold!

I am very glad to report that I have not been sick for almost a week now. I am finally over the nasty effects of the amoeba that had apparently attacked my system. Praise God. That was NO FUN AT ALL!!

Routine life now starts up again. Classes have started and so there are people here all the time and Jess and Steve are busy during the days! This leaves me with my never ending job of working on the website and newsletters and many other things related to “media”. I am finding joy in this job now that I have some more vision for it.

So life continues. I can hardly believe I have just a little over 3 months left. 90 days goes by oh so quickly! I am in shock really that I have been here for almost 2 months already. Wow.

I will attempt to blog again soon, but now I must go back to “real work”. :o)

Blessings to you all. Let’s continue to seek God and stand up and fight the battles of the Lord. We have so much to do as the body of Christ… let’s continue to build up our faith. Get in shape and training so that we can push through and find victory and life! He is there waiting for you… none of us are worthy, but He is worth all the breath we have in us. Seek him and he promises to be found. You are all in my thoughts and prayers!

OH and P.S. I got my care package from home -- finally!! AND I AM SO EXCITED! It's like Christmas all over again! My parents bought me a new camera! A Canon Power Shot A560. It is wonderful! I am having so much learning about all the different features. It is fantastic really! So more pics soon!! :)

With the new year comes a serious vision and light for the future //

Well I surely hope that I have not lost my whole reader base because I haven't posted in over a week -- again. I do apologize to those who have been faithful to check in on my life postings. :o) I have had SO MUCH going on in life and have been rather lazy in remembering to post. I would like to share with you some of the recent events and thoughts and prayers of my heart.

Well a quick recap of the holidays -- Christmas Eve was an event filled day for sure. We had a gift exchange between the staff and the missionary family group here... 20 of us in all. That was an absolute hullabaloo, let me tell you!! And we went to the beach on Christmas Eve (who woulda thunk it!?) I kept telling Steve it felt like we were trying to play a trick on someone and we were trying to convince someone that it was Christmas Day in the middle of July. It certainly didn't feel like Christmas, though we made the best of it. I got some great gifts! A beautiful skirt, a shell, a shirt that I fell in love with at the festival in Vallue and a homemade picture frame with my name carved in it. We spent the whole day with the staff, first at the beach playing in the water (this has never happened and was an immense pleasure for all of us!), then we had a huge feast (my Indian fry bread dough didn't turn out, and therefore did not make it as part of the Christmas feast) and then our gift exchange. It was such a pleasant day, though I missed home desperately.

Another reason that I have not posted for awhile is because I have been quite sick. Nothing too serious, but they think that I have come down with a parasite, an amoeba. Whatever that means. Oh let me tell you what it means. It means that most of Christmas day I spent in the bathroom... and the following three days rotating being in the bathroom and laying in bed trying not to think about running (and I mean literally running) to the bathroom. Thankfully it is finally starting to pass. Finally.

We had a neat woman named Alice that came Christmas Day and stayed till New Years Day. She was an absolute blessing and it blows my mind that she came and went already. It's amazing how the weeks are flying by.

New Years was something else altogether. We had a big service all planned that was supposed to start at 8 p.m. Of course in Haitian time this means people will start filtering in between quarter after and 8:30... the service actually starting around 8:45. It was slow at first... but by 9:30 or so, worship was in full swing and we were dancing and shouting and praising God. Crying out for a touch from the Holy Spirit. It never ceases to amaze me, the beauty of watching these people worship and dance and praise the Lord, and I feel like a child watching in awe and dancing along with them, trying to sing the words in sync with them, knowing full well how foolish I must sound and look... but grateful for the joy and peace that is flowing through me like a river. The service ended around 1:30 in the morning after we had bread and some of the strongest ginger tea I had ever tasted. Whew, I almost still taste it burning down my throat. Lisa said it was good for killing the amoebas in my stomach! Ya whatev! LOL.

Yesterday (I can't believe it was yesterday, it seems like it was a week ago already! Time is so weird here!!), the 2 pastors couples and Joe and Rebecca (2 single amazing missionaries that will be staying for 4 & 6 months) came in from Canada. More Canadians and I the lone American here at the property... oh Jesus help me! I am thoroughly outnumbered! I think they love me even with my heritage! ;) Oh I really do love those crazy Canadians!

The pastors conference started today. Pastor Richard started off speaking... and I knew when he announced what he was speaking about that I would be challenged by my past. I have some very real pain and hurt that God is bringing me through... and though I am not all healed yet, I know God is using every means possible to help me and heal me, though Satan would try and smother me with disappointment, bitterness and not wanting to forgive those who have hurt me and my loved ones. My heart constricted inside of me when I heard him say what he was going to be speaking on and I prayed hard... God help me. I was sitting front in center literally 2 feet from him and sitting in front of all 200+ pastors running the recording and powerpoint, so I couldn't gracefully stand up and run away... so I sat there and tried to control the raging emotions inside of me. I prayed for peace and I prayed that God would help me to forgive. The things that kept coming to me were, "Kim, love your enemies and pray for those who hurt you. Whatever is lovely, whatever is pure, whatever is trustworthy, think on THESE things... CLING TO WHAT IS GOOD." I continued to run those and many other scriptures over my heart and mind while he was speaking... and through the course of the afternoon I heard 2 other sessions and though there were moments of anger and hurt and sadness, God was speaking to me... reminding me of his promises, reminding me of his love and teaching me things deep in my spirit. He is renewing me and restoring my heart, even through the pain. And though I don't think I will ever put my full confidence in people or certain organizations again, I do trust God... and I can't run forever. The fact is politics will always be a part of the church, whether they should be or not, whether I like it or not... I will not consciously put myself in the way of those who will hurt me, but if I am going to continue on this path of becoming the woman that I know he created me to be, I am going to have to face the fact that people are people, no matter what country, what organization, what group, and there will be pain and conflict and abuse, but I still must press on, trusting God and trusting who HE is in my life... and realize that I am not perfect either. And yet... he is speaking to me. and I am changing. I see this hurt and this pain, but I see the breakthrough and freedom. I see it. And I want it, and I am going to continue to press through. And press into God and I will fight until I can find that freedom and peace, though it come through much suffering and struggle... I KNOW that my life is beginning, my journey is truly starting... and I am so excited. Though I am trembling in fear and awe before the face and plans of my God, I feel joy bubbling from somewhere deep inside at something I don't yet understand... and I see hope...

There is always more to say... but I hope this gives you a glimpse and an understanding of where I am at today... I dearly miss you all at home and pray that God is keeping you strong and building your faith. Never lose heart... He is faithful and is doing a good thing in us, his Bride, his Body, his Church today.

Blessings...