Hello ...

Good morning everyone ... I just want to share with you what a joy and blessing my new friend Kim is to me. I know how difficult it has been for many of you to be without her, especially during this holiday season. BUT, God must have known how much we would need her here, especially me. Such a true friend and blessing she has been to me and many others. I just want to thank you for sharing her with me this Christmas. I'll do my best to keep her safe, healthy and happy ... returning home to you in one piece, just a little more mature, wise, etc. And with a new Canadian accent ... Jessica

the night before Christmas Eve

I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT CHRISTMAS EVE IS TOMORROW!!! I just had to make that clear one more time!! It's so strange to be getting things ready for Christmas. We have been baking the last 2 days. I attempted to make fry bread. We'll see how that turns out tomorrow. I'll tell you one thing, I don't think I will ever get used to seeing ants in our flour and yeast. But what do you do? Smile and say thank you Jesus. LOL. Doug and Cheryl were sad that we didn't have a Christmas tree so they made do with what we had available:

"I am not alone, for my Father is with me." John 16:32

So the last few days have been interesting ones... oh who am I kidding?? every day is interesting and challenging here! But oh I am seeing the goodness of God... I have been very challenged personally lately, not necessarily because anyone has said to me here, "Kim, you are leaning too much on other people, you are attaching to people too much..." but I often feel DEEPLY. I love deeply. And it often gets me in trouble, because I mean one thing in my heart and it comes off quite differently. I was talking to a couple of my house mates last night about what to do about my friendships here. How do I deal? I want to make the most of my time here. I want to be effective in working with people and loving people, but finding a balance. I am sure this doesn't make sense to some of you... and that's about all the specific explanation I can give. However, I was telling them really the word that kept coming into my mind was "isolation". To be isolated for a time. Not in depression or caged in walls of fear, but separate. Not because I'm better, but because I need to be focused during my time here. I went to sleep with a heavy heart wondering if that was really the right answer. I woke up this morning and slept a little later than usual (till 8 this morning). I woke up and read todays "STREAMS IN THE DESERT" devotional. It's awesome and encouraging and I'm glad I brought it with me. I would like to share with you the entry for today because it confirmed and encouraged my heart. This is what it says:

" It is certainly unnecessary to say that turning conviction into action requires great sacrifice. It may mean renouncing or separating ourselves from specific people or things, leaving us with a strange sense of depravation and loneliness. Therefore the person who will ultimately soar like an eagle to the heights of the cloudless day and live in the sunshine of God must be content to live a relatively lonely life.
There are no birds that live in as much solitude as eagles, for they never fly in flocks. Rarely can even two eagles be seen together. And a life that is dedicated to God knows divine fellowship, no matter how many human friendships have had to be forfeited along the way.
God seeks "eagle people," for no one ever comes into the full realization of the best things of God in this spiritual life without learning to walk alone with Him. We see Abraham alone "in the land of Canaan, while Lot lived among the cities... near Sodom" (Gen. 13:12). Moses, although educated in all the wisdom of Egypt, had to spend forty years alone with God in the desert. And Paul, who was filled with all the knowledge of the Greeks and who sat "at the feet of Gamaliel" (Acts 22:3), was required, after meeting Jesus, to go "immediately into Arabia" (Gal. 1:17) to learn of the desert life with God.
May we allow God to isolate us, but I do not mean the isolation of monastery. It is in the experience of isolation that the Lord develops an independence of life and of faith so that the should no longer depends on the continual help, prayers, faith and care of others. The assistance and inspiration from others are necessary, and they have a place in a Christian's development, but at times they can actually become a hindrance to a person's faith and welfare.
God knows how to change our circumstances in order to isolate us. And once we yield to Him and He takes us through an experience of isolation, we are no longer dependent on those around us, although we still love them as much as before. Then we realize that He has done a new work within us and that the wings of our soul have learned to soar in loftier air.
We must dare to be alone, in the way that Jacob had to be alone for the Angel of God to whisper in his ear, "Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel" (Gen. 32:28); in the way that Daniel had to be left alone to see heavenly visions; and in the way that John had to be banished to the Isle of Patmos to receive and record "the revelation of Jesus Christ, which God gave him" (Rev. 1:1).
He has "trodden the wine press alone" (Isaiah 63:3) for us. Therefore are we prepared for a time of "glorious isolation" rather than to fail Him?

I am encouraged this morning after reading this. I know that God is working new things in me, and he certainly has brought me to a place where I must seek him. I have the opportunity for alone time with Him. And I am going to take it. I am going to continue to surrender and dive into his presence whole heartedly. I know that God can fill that void and longing in my heart better than anyone else anyway... SO I will attempt to love people with God's love and love God with all of me! I wonder what He will do?

I do miss you all back home and I will continue to pray that God blesses you and speaks to you and wraps His arms of love around you because I can't. Be encouraged today and know that you are LOVED.

4 months to go and 8 days till Christmas

This pic has nothing to do with anything, but I thought for those of you who might miss my face -- here's a good reminder of how goofy I am! :)


I cannot believe that Christmas is just over a week away. I look at this past year and I am completely blown away... This time last year I had no idea what the following year had in store. I was broken and hurting and lonely... In the last year God has SURROUNDED me with life... When I thought I couldn't go on, he provided a way... when I was lonely he placed amazing friends in my life...

I was reading my journal from this last year and there were a couple entries that I thought I would share. Looking back, I didn't understand the truth of my own words at the time... I knew what I felt like God was speaking to me, but it hurt and was confusing at the time. As always, God's wisdom was incredible... and I am so grateful for what he was and IS doing...

January 1, 2007

When will I stop being a child and start to do right? When will my life begin? I feel as though I am on a bungee cord and diving off a bridge. Like I am plunging head first to the ground but then I bounce back up. I was telling Callie the other day I feel like I am on the edge of a cliff looking at everything around me on the edge of life. Looking at all the options but unsure of where to go. The question becomes... "God, will I trust you?" Please God help me! I can't do this anymore. I can't make anything happen. I can go nowhere to hide my face from you... nowhere to find relief, rest or peace. I want to find the rest and peace that comes in your presence. Fill me, change me, mold me.

Sun January 7, 2007

A promise from God: "Kim, live for me. Don't worry about why things have been happening the way they have. I see the big picture. I am setting you up. It is divine. It is OF ME that I am stripping you again from all commitments and things that would tie you to a ministry or a specific group or place. You will accomplish great things in my name, but not of you. You must be empty of YOU and full of the Holy Spirit. FOLLOW ME. I will lead you exactly where you need to be. Every relationship you have made is for a reason. This season you are in is of me."
_______________________________________________________________

These posts are almost shocking to look back on... to see that almost a year later, God heard my prayers. I didn't realize it until recently. I thought he had forgotten about me. I felt cast aside. I felt useless. I felt alone. But during the last year God was building in me a desperate need for him. A realization again that I could not survive, I could not live fully until it was no longer for myself. I look back and a little over a year ago I did not know many of the people that are now dear friends to me. I look back and I smile and laugh as I think of the families that are now involved in Team USA for Haiti Arise... and they are all people that I didn't really get to know until last November after I went to Haiti with Casey. Now all these people and everyone back home that I have relationship with... I realize God was really setting me up. And it was so much bigger than just me finding a place... God is a big God and he will use whatever and whoever he chooses to accomplish his will. I feel so much peace knowing that I am living this life that he asks me to live... even when it's hard. Even when I doubt. Still he loves me and guides me and helps me to see.

I have been challenged lately by a friend here in Haiti to begin to wake up early and pray. Starting last Friday and not counting Sunday I have woken up at 5 every day to pray and seek God. And then today was the first day that Jess and I got up and starting working out! It felt so good to be up and knowing I was doing something healthy for my body and my spirit. I look forward to continuing this routine. I feel so much life in me that was missing for so long... God is breathing life into parts of me that I thought were lost and broken for good. I'm so grateful that his plans are better for me. :-)

Sometimes I feel crazy because there are moments I forget that I am really in Haiti... that home isn't right down the road. That when I call or email friends and family they aren't right there... It's so weird. t's been so refreshing, good and encouraging, though difficult sometimes, because in prayer there is intimacy with Jesus, right? No place to hide... no more running. Simply facing the goodness and mercy of the Savior. It is sweet but my heart hurts sometimes when I think of the times that I have strayed even a little and broken my Father's heart.

As for daily life... it is flying by so quickly. The project I procrastinated on was for a festival at Vallue. The board in the background was the project. :) There were booths set up everywhere and music and dancing and food. It was really neat to be a part of and I got some good Christmas gifts down!

I saw a basket that reminded me of the baskets that Grandma used to make out of Cedar, except these ones were made of BANANA LEAF!

The festival was a neat way to get out and do something different. It is so beautiful up on that hilltop too!

Church yesterday was good... there was a visiting pastor from a nearby church and he had a very good word about being ready and living for God today. It was encouraging and fun to hear another Haitian pastor get all fired up! It was like watching T.D. Jakes in another language! :) haha. Awesome!

I miss you all and hope that you are doing well!! Feel free to email me anytime, I LOVE LOVE LOVE hearing from home. It makes me smile :)

Procrastination and the Morning After

So yesterday was a crazy day!! I woke up initially at 5 a.m. but then instead of getting up when I should have, I laid there... 2 minutes turned into an hour and I was late for 6 a.m. prayer. Darn!! However, prayer was very good and encouraging. There is just something to waking up early in the morning and starting the day by submitting everything to the authority of Christ. Something changes in my spirit when I decide to obey like that... I love the joy that comes... the beauty of the morning.

I had procrastinated pretty bad on a project for my department. I had an advertisement board I needed to put together for a festival we are doing this weekend. I thought I had till Saturday to do it so I kept saying, oh one more day... one more day won't hurt. Stupid! Then yesterday morning I woke up and thought to myself, "Oh no! The festival starts tomorrow. This board has to be completed by today!!" So I worked my tail off yesterday translating things into French with the help of my computer and coworker Sterling. What a blessing he is! And what a challenge to translate things into French. That is one of my biggest challenges. Learning and understanding Creole and bits of French. I am encouraged however, because every day I understand and remember more. I hope that it continues to grow!! So, anyway... I finally finished the board with the help of Lisa, Cheryl and Sterling around 7 p.m. last night. It took forever!! But it's done and it looks beautiful!!! And then after all that stress, at about 9 last night Lisa came to me and told me that they postponed the festival a day because of the hard rain the day before!! I nearly burst into tears! But at least it's done and I did my part! Go figure though! I mean, really!!

I was so grateful for Jess last night, as I am increasingly grateful every day for her friendship, prayers and love that she shows me. A big sister when all my sisters are far away right now. Thank you Jesus for my friends! Anyway, she let me cry and vent and talk out frustrations with myself and "stuff". It was great... and then we split a special chocolate bar that we got from the Caribbean Market as a treat. It was so wonderful.

Before I went to sleep last night, I asked God to help wake me up this morning so that I could start my day with prayer. He was faithful this morning and I woke up and actually got out of bed. Jess was startled when she heard me roll out of bed because she is always up before 5. I think she was in shock that I really got up. But then so was I! :) It was wonderful. I prayed for a good 40 minutes and worshiped the Lord and then I read my Bible. It was so encouraging this morning. I was thinking and praying for myself and my friends and family and was thinking about how so many times there are parts of our heart and lives that seem dead and lifeless. And I was praying that God would bring life to those parts of our hearts... praying that God would stir up and wake up our Spirit to hear his voice and to experience the reality of Jesus. To truly seek and pursue God and allow Him to have his way in our day, in our lives, in this World. And I was struck by the awesomeness of our God.

Wow. that is a lot of talk... now I will try and go live it. How about you? Blessings!

Worship and Rain

So last night we had church service. Every time I go I am blown away by the greatness of God! I love it... I love how you can feel God and I know that he is here... That when we dance in worship we are dancing with our Creator and He delights in the praises of his people. I love knowing that I am bringing pleasure to my love. Isn't that what we were created for? To please God? To honor him and obey him and to Love Him with everything inside of us?

I have been so challenged lately to go deeper... to not hold anything back. I have been feeling this strong longing from the Holy Spirit in me to go deeper into the presence of God, to find my life and my comfort and strength in Him... I felt it when I was home too and I was often miserable and down in my spirit because I would not obey. I was stubborn and scared and selfish. Afraid of what God would require of me. Afraid that the task was too big. That his dreams for me were more than what I was capable of, more than what He could do in me. How wrong of me. I've had to ask forgiveness for not trusting Him. I've had to be honest with myself. I've had to fall on my face and ask God to show me... to trust Him enough that I would do whatever He asks of me. It's a scary place to be... always wondering. But I know that with Him, I am enough. His Grace is sufficient. I can accomplish that which he puts in front of me to do not because I am so strong or because I know how to do it, but because He is everything that I need. He provides all that I need to accomplish the task. I was afraid for a long time that God would ask great sacrifices of me. And he may. Like Abraham had to be willing to sacrifice Isaac on the altar of God, maybe I too have things that I need to be willing to lay down. I can only hope and pray that I learn to love freely, knowing that sometimes the Lord gives, and sometimes the Lord takes away. But at the end of the day I remember that my God loves me and His ways are not always my ways.

(side note: Today it is raining. My first experience of rain in Haiti. I hope it's not too bad!! )

People keep saying I will come home changed, a different person. I already feel different, I know many things have changed about me, but if you asked me to tell you what or how or when I would be at a loss for words. I wish I could explain to you better the things that God is teaching me. The challenges that are molding my character again... For now, I am just excited to see what today will bring and to spend one more day in the presence of my God.

3 weeks down - 17 to go

I cannot believe it's been only 3 weeks today since I boarded the plane to come to this amazing place. How can that really be?? So much has changed, so much has happened. And I don't much know how to explain the feeling except to say that it seem time is flying by in slow motion. We have decided that it is the moments that pass by slowly, making it seem like it will be forever till it's done, but the weeks fly by incredibly fast!

This pic is taken from the top of Tapion at sunset. Wow. What an incredible view from the top of the hill... It's impossible to not believe when I see such beauty and experience such things.

So I may try and put into words this last week, but if it doesn't make sense to you, or it gets long, please forgive me... so much happens in our days and weeks here. It is so difficult to try and put it into words that truly express what I see and feel and think.

In this last week I have made many new friendships and seen and met people that I hope to call my friends sometime soon. It is hard thinking about going home in April. Really, my time here is so short. As Steve said the other day... it's really only 126 days away. And that is really only 17 weeks. It's only 4 months. When I think of friends and family back home that I miss, the time frame seems to stretch on for an eternity, but when I think about how little time that it is to make a small difference here, to accomplish the tasks at hand, it seems like I only have so little time to get it all done. I was listening to Pastor Rick's sermon from yesterday and I was amazed to hear about all the devastation of the storm in Grays Harbor. And then I think about how good I have it right now, I have internet almost all the time, power most of the time and running water. Don't need heat cuz it's still pretty warm, though I've actually worn my sweats and long sleeved shirts in the evenings because it's cooler. I was thinking about how before I left, many people told me to prepare for bad conditions here, to rough it, maybe the power will go out because of a huge storm. Maybe terrible things might happen. Prepare yourself for whatever will come. In all the that time in preparing myself I never thought I would need to prepare myself for real loss back home. I didn't think about having to prepare myself for everyone at home to have no power, bad conditions and unfit living spaces. Then I remember, the truth is, anything can happen at any time. Whether I am in Haiti or Aberdeen I am not safe from the threats of the world and of nature. People are people wherever you go. There are similar fears and pain, joy and excitement wherever you go in the world.

I've been on many short term mission trips in my life, but staying in another country, living in another country for a longer period of time has really changed my perspective. I know how it is to come into another country and "feel bad" for the people that live there. I was physically pained to see the people living in poverty in mud huts, seemingly lost and alone. This is what you initially see when you come into a third world country. You're perspective may shift, for a little while. Your heart may soften and be more apt to share what you have. But how easy it is to come to another place and think that because we are Americans or Canadians, we have something better to offer. That these people are incompetent and therefore unable to understand the truth of God's love. Often that they do not need someone shoving Jesus down their throat. They need an offer and a portrayal of that love. They need the truth to be shown to them, not just preached at them. And how dare we as "fortunate" as we seem to be treat these amazing people as less than, with pity and not respect. I think about Jesus and how he went to people that were destitute... you know that when he "had compassion" on them he really loved them and he treated them like people. I want to treat people that I meet here the same as I would anyone else... with love and friendship... knowing that they can offer something to me in friendship and love just as much I can. Not always thinking that I have so much to give... Maybe it's just me, but I know that I have in the past struggled with pride, thinking that I was better because I was born in America. Thinking that I had something to offer but not thinking they really had anything worth giving back to me. These people here in Haiti have so much in their hearts and in wisdom to share that I cannot even understand. They are a beautiful people. Needy for God, but then so am I. So are we. If we were stripped bare of all material things and they were raised up in socioeconomic status and had "things" we would still all just be people, the need and hunger for God would not change.

I have been so challenged to get outside of my comfort zone... and so encouraged when I am reminded by God that I am doing what he asked of me. That He is accomplishing his will through me. That dreams I had of myself... are really happening. I have more to say, but it is getting late and there will always be more to say. I hope this encouraged some of you and challenges you to step up to the plate, whether in prayer or in reaching out to people where you are at. There is a lot to do and we only have one life to live. Today is the day of salvation...

Enjoying the Beauty of the Caribbean

I cannot say it enough... to make you understand or believe... I still have a hard time believing that this is reality. I told Lisa today when we were at the beach that I felt like I was sitting, looking at a magazine. It's so beautiful at our Taino beach. How could I really be here? Enjoying the beauty here... living this adventurous wonderful, challenging and amazing life?I went for a swim with the group... laughing and enjoying the water... and after about half an hour or so I decided I would like some quiet time with God and myself... so we went for a walk He and I. Down the beach to where there was no other sounds but the waves gently rolling on the shore. It's not like home where there is always a cold breeze or wind blowing... Here there is a warm breeze that surrounds me like an embrace. I sat near the edge of the water in the warm sand and just reflected on what has happened so far, grateful for the opportunity to be doing what I am doing and grateful for the friends and love he has showered on me, both here and at home. I am so grateful today...

Jess and I got to be a little goofy today too which was nice. I do love her so much! I know that she is going to continue to be a great friend!

It was a wonderful experience and I am so glad that it is a weekly treat. Every Monday they say. Oh joy!

An Adventure with Jess & Ronald

Today was a wonderful day for me. I didn't realize how much I have just been sitting lately. Working, doing things on the computer, trying to accomplish things, but I have been spending a large majority of my time in the compound and even more just in the house here. It is a large spread of land and the actually building is quite large, but it is nice to get out and stretch the legs for sure! I didn't realize how out of shape I really was until today when after yesterday's short little bike ride I went for another today! WHEW! I'll tell you what, I thought for sure I had bruises in the bum area! OUCH! And my leg muscles were burning like no other after just 2 minutes of riding! It was good though, good exercise! LOL.

So Jess and I rode to Marc and Lisa's to meet up with Ronald. From there we went for about a 15 minute walk to a church just outside of town to listen to our friend Miriam sing in a competition. It was great! She did a fantastic job singing and we got to experience something new. All around it was a great time and I got to know Jess and Ronald a bit better too. What wonderful people. Jessica is an amazing woman that I am coming to love and appreciate as a sister more and more every day. She is the English teacher here. Amazing. Ronald is one of our Haitian brothers. He is full of life and passion for Christ and for Music. I am grateful for his friendship. I am so thankful for the family here that is wrapping me up and letting me in on what I feel is a hidden secret and a jewel... the things God is doing in this place is incredible.

I was telling a good friend today when she asked me how I was doing: I have ups and downs here as seems the norm. There are moments of incredible joy and moments where I think my heart will break into a million pieces missing you all at home and wondering what in the world I am doing here. Wondering if I pinch my arm really hard if I'll wake up and still be 13 going to Jr. High and dreaming of the day I will be a missionary in a country somewhere else?? And then I realize, this is the life I have chosen and it is reality. And then someone at church remembers my name and says, "Kim, Kim!! It's so good to see you! How are you?" And then I remember, no, this is the life I was born to live and I find joy knowing that I am right where I am supposed to be today.

I love knowing that my life is making a difference. And each time someone new remembers my name or I remember theirs or bits of their language, I rejoice!

Continue to pray for me in this, that God would give me wisdom and understanding! Thank God for Jess and Steve who are committed to helping me learn and loving me through the hard times. We truly are becoming a family along with Anel and Ronald and Marc and Lisa, Doug and Cheryl and all the kids. It's strange and I know that our family is going to continue to grow in January as Joe and Rebecca come down. But somehow in this place, God makes it work. It's incredible.

I miss you all and am praying for you and thinking of you. More pics soon I promise! :)

Biking in a Skirt... Not the wisest choice

So today we had an adventure. Jess and I decided to go for a bike ride this morning. Now she has a habit of going for a ride like once a day at least. It was my first opportunity to join her and I was really enjoying being out of the compound for a bit. Not that it's bad... there is a lot of room to wander, but it's still nice to get outside of the walls of the property. So we went for a short little bike ride to Leah's store down the road to get a pop and some chips. It was pleasant and I met some of Jessica's students on the way which was neat for sure.

The sad thing was as we were driving back my skirt got caught in the brake on the bike - twice and ripped the seam. Luckily it was just a small tear, but it was a good lesson to me. Don't wear this skirt or any other long skirts when bike riding. It's cute for walking around and just doing normal stuff, but never again will I wear this skirt for riding!

Luckily the mom of the house, Cheryl has access to a sewing machine here and she said that she should be able to fix it. Which makes me happy. :) Thank God for technology.